One Woman's Journey Home to Her Body

Hello my Fairy Loves, it has been sometime since I have felt called to sit down and pour out to you what I have been processing as of recently. In the last publication I got real with you about some of what happened to my corporeal being and how I am trying to more thoroughly reside in my body. I want to acknowledge the women who connected with me in person and online, sharing what happened to them and reinforced for me how important it is for us to tell our stories. Thank you for the vulnerability you showed.

Through many of my transformations I have felt like the caterpillar going into their cocoon and turning into primordial goop. Very painful and very solitary. For the 1st time ever I actually feel like a beetle trying to break out of my exoskeleton into the world a larger version of myself. Still exhausting and hard, but a process this time that can be witnessed. A process that doesn't keep me removed from the world, arriving with all the work completed and only the finished product visible.

Recently in class (I am currently in Grad school) I saw reflected back at me how if I speak up to someone in power and the response is not good, I just shut down and try to 'survive' the situation until I can leave. I identified that I no longer wanted to be having that response and brought that up in therapy. To be able to remain kindly tenacious is what I want. My goal is to demonstrate in this life that kindness and tenderness is not weakness, but until I can stand by myself fully, I am not showing that. I do not say this with judgement on myself, because I learned that what I am having is actually a trauma response. I am having a trauma response and even though I would be able to see all of that presenting in a client, I am so disconnected from my own physiology that I don't see it. I think I just need better coping tools when in fact I need to heal things in my body.

I have been having panic attacks and didn't even know it. This last winter I decided I was going to take Adult Beginner Ballet and Belly Dancing Classes so I could learn to be in my body when moving. One of the evenings when driving to class, I all of a sudden got a headache, had pain in my chest, my throat felt closed off, tingling in my limbs, I was freezing, and my heart was racing. All written out it seems obvious but, I could not see the symptoms as a whole. I told myself I needed pain killers for the headache, drink water for my throat, and I must be sitting wrong in the seat. It's only because I absently brought it up to my Social Worker that the puzzle pieces got put together. I have become a champ at finding ways to make my self push through things to achieve my goals. Again no judgement, my coping skills kept me alive, I am just very ready for new ones.

I had another panic attack a couple of weeks ago when visiting a very dear friend of mine, and they took me to their current partner's house. I walked into a home where that was no imminent or apparent threat and had a complete panic attack because I was in a space owned by men, and I was there to hop around with my friend under the full moon. Dancing the primary action that we now know induces terror. Prior to arriving I cried, turned bright red, and got reeeeeal sweaty. At the house my temp then plummeted, my heart raced, and I was positively desperate to get in my car and drive away. The thing is, logically I knew I was safe and if I left I would reinforce the fear. So, I stayed and tried to work my way through it. When I laid my head down that night exhausted and still slightly terrified, I quietly shook. Just like the bunny under the bushes after escape, my teeth chattered and my body shook. I deep breathed my way through it until finally I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night just drenched in sweat, my body a fire like she could burn every unwanted fingerprint from her skin. All those invisible fingerprints that are visible only to my soul.

So, I am embarking on a new journey in therapy, that as I can, I will share with you. In the hopes like always that by shing the light in the dark recesses of my life will somehow help you find ways to do the same in yours. I am starting a treatment plan in therapy to heal from my sexual trauma somatically. This is the first time I am digging into this with someone to hold my hand through the whole process and it feels so good. I have attempted to do workbooks on my own but the content always gets too hard and I have to stop. I may still need pauses, but there will be someone with me. A long time ago I lost faith that there would be people to stand beside me and help me dig out. I am feeling both excited and nervous about what lays ahead. There are similar feelings of when I started therapy when I was 26 to start recovery for my anorexia, I had no idea what I would think about if I wasn't obsessing over my weight and hungry. Now, I can not fathom who I will be when I arrive at the other side of my treatment plan. One thing I know for sure is that I can not wait to meet her and for once I feel as brave as people tell me I am.

~Lily